e-Forward

A compilation of selected e-mails and messages circulating around the globe.

My Photo
Name:
Location: California, United States

Hey guys! I'm Carms - Just an ordinary woman who loves everything about beauty--makeup, fashion, decors, organization, cooking and family. I believe there's always beauty in everything. I'd like to share my passion with you thru this blog.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Accuracy in Spelling????

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Living to 100

George Carlin's Views On Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number ... or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.
Oooohh what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk.
He TURNED; we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now.
You're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa!
Put on the brakes .. it's all slipping away.


Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60.
You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there
Into the 90s, you start going backwards ...
"I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!



HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.

This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay "them!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
.
4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often ... long and loud.

Laugh until you gasp for breath.
.
6. The tears happen.

Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
.
7. Surround yourself with what you love ...



whether it's .. family, pets, keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
.
8. Cherish your health.

If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall ... even to the next county .
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people .. Who Cares!
But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day.

Friday, March 18, 2005

FUNNY!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back..or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few women who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work
at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at
him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,
and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me
forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To
my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they
were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
behind me were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked
to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat
down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
An embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a
true story.

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Monday, March 14, 2005

10 differences between a winner and a loser

1. When a winner commits a mistake he says "I am wrong".
When a loser commits a mistake he says "It's not my fault"

2. A winner works harder and has more time than a loser. A
loser always is too busy to do what is necessary.

3. A winner faces and solves his problems. A loser does otherwise.

4. A winner compromises, a loser makes promises.

5. A winner would say "I am good but not as good as I want to
be". A loser would say "I am not as bad as the others"

6. A winner listens, understands and responds. A loser only
waits until it is his turn to speak.

7. A winner respects people who are superior to him and would
like to learn from them. A loser does otherwise, and would try to find
his superiors'faults.

8. A winner is responsible not just for his own work. A loser
will note dare help others and would say "I'm just doing my job."

9. A winner would say "There should be a better way to do it." A
loser would say "This is the only way to do it."

10. A winner like you will share this with his friends.A loser
will just keep this to himself because he doesn't have time sharing
this with others.

INSTALLING LOVE

Tech Support: "Yes, ... how can I help you?"

Customer: "Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love.
Can you guide me though the process?"

Tech Support: "Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?"

Customer: "Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I
do first?"

Tech Support: "The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located
your Heart?"

Customer: "Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it
okay to install Love while they are running?"

Tech Support: "What programs are running ?"

Customer: "Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and
Resentment running right now."

Tech Support: "No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it
will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low
Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However,
you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent
Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?"

Customer: "I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?"

Tech Support: "With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased."

Customer: " Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?"

Tech Support: "Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades."

Customer: "Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error -
Program not run on external components " What should I do?"

Tech Support: "Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to
run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others."

Customer: "So, what should I do?"

Tech Support: "Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following
files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations."

Customer: "Okay, done."

Tech Support: "Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming.
Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories
and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never
comes back. "

Customer: "Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is
playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves
all over My Heart. Is this normal?"

Tech Support: "Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and
running.

One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it
and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it
with others and return some cool modules back to you."

Customer: "Thank you God"

Friday, March 11, 2005

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

1 Timothy 3:4"He must manage his own family well,with children who respect and obey him"

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,"Oh, excuse me please" was my reply.He said, "Please excuse me too;Wasn't even watching for you.

We were very polite, this stranger and I.We went on our way and we said good-bye.But at home a different story is told,How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,My daughter stood beside me very still.When I turned, I nearly knocked her down."Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

She walked away, her little heart was broken.I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.While I lay awake that night in bed,God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,But the ones you love, you seem to abuse.Go look down on your kitchen floor,You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers she brought for you.She picked them herself, pink, yellow and blue.She stood quietly not to spoil the surprise,and you never saw the tears in her eyes.

"By this time, I felt very smalland now my tears began to fall.I quietly went and knelt by her bed;"Wake up, little girl, wake up," I said

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"She smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.""I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue.

"I said, "Daughter, I'm sorry for the way I acted today;I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."She said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.cause I sure love you anyway.

"I said, "Daughter, I love you too,and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

That's Why

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the fieldwith the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! Iwill give you a life span of 50 years." The cow objected, "What? This kind of a tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "Youare supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a lifespan of 20 years." The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way!I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to themonkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span." The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. Allyou need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span." The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.

AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

Be Strong Honey

MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR.

WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU"

TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

Holy Bug

A (really lonely) single guy decides life would be more fun if he had
a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged
bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit , but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings." But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
against the centipede's little box-house and shouts, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord?!"





Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!





YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!










...................................................................

A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's
right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all
of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar
code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you
know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think
I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and
left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do
you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do
you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No,
just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper,put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of
my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8.Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9.A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother
says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to
emergency!

Thursday, March 10, 2005

YOU DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in High School by
telling them the difference each of them had made. She called each student to the
front of the class, one at a time. First, she told each of them how they had made a
difference to her, and the class.

Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon, imprinted with gold
letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference." Afterwards, the teacher decided to do a class project, to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a Community. She gave each of the students three more blue ribbons, and instructed them to go out and spread this
acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom,
and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby Company,
and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon, and
put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like for you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person, to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.

Then please report back to me and tell me what happened." Later that day,
the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being
kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down, and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.

The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would
accept the gift of the blue ribbon, and would he give him permission to put it on him.
His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket, above his heart.

As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you take this extra
ribbon, and pass it on by honoring somebody else. The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school, and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night, the boss came home to his 14-year-old son, and sat him down. He
said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office, and one of the
junior executives came in and told me he admired me, and gave me a blue ribbon for being a
creative genius. Imagine! He thinks I'm a creative genius! Then he put this blue ribbon that
says, "Who I Am Makes a Difference", on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon
and asked me to find somebody else to honor.

As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor
with this ribbon, and I thought about you. I want to honor you.

My days are really hectic and when I come home, I don't pay a lot of
attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school, and for your bedroom being a mess. But somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and,
well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid, and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His
whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom, explaining why I had killed myself, and I asked you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn't think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I don't think I need it after all." His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain.

The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch, but
made sure to let all of his employees know that they made a difference. The junior
executive helped several other young people with career planning, and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life......one being the boss' son. And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson, "Who you are DOES make a difference."

Sunday, March 06, 2005

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present
"Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements,
the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids

2. Taj Mahal

3. Grand Canyon

4. Panama Canal

5. Empire State Building

6. St. Peter's Basilica

7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student
had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if
she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied,
"Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind
because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and
maybe we can help.

"The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the
'Seven Wonders of the World' are:






1. To See









2. To Hear









3. To Touch









4. To Taste









5. To Feel









6. To Laugh









7. And to Love."




The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that
we take for granted are truly wondrous!

A gentle reminder --
that the most precious things in life
cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

POLITE LANGUAGE

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard
the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b@stards who want off, get
the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you
b@stards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're
going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with
us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat.
remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your
complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Men

Men are like ...  newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ...  coffee
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

Men are like ...  computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ...  coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ...  chocolate bars.              
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ...  power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like ...  remote controls
Simple.  Easy to use.  And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like ....  shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ...  vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like ...  road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.  

Men are like ...  soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ...  pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like ...  old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like ...  plastic wrap
Cheap.  Clingy.  And very easy to see through.

Men are like ...  department stores
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like ...  horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.  

Men are like ...  plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.  

... men! can't live with them, can't live without them ;)